Every now and then my energy level becomes low. Now, I have energy to do things like binge youtube videos about the supernatural, watch natural hair tutorials, and take timed naps, but not the things I need to do. I know that I’m not doing what I need to do and frankly in this “low power mode” I simply do not care.
I have been finding myself stuck in this “low power mode” after long periods of high motivation and energy exertion. I quickly go from working hard and moving towards the things I want, to saying “you can do it tomorrow, rest now”. Sometimes after exerting a large amount of energy, I rest a little too much. Rest is a reward, or so I’ve come to believe. The thing is, I need to think of the hard work AND the outcome of being closer to my goal as the reward. Rest is necessary, but there's such a thing as too much rest. When I can balance my motivation and my ability to know when it's time to nap then I can truly shift into maximum overdrive.
Now, even though I say “whatever, I'll do it tomorrow” and dismiss the low battery notification in my head, I still fear the death of my battery.
There's a little ticking time clock in the back of my head. Each hour, the clock dings “wow you STILL havent done ANYTHING? Do you even WANT this?". The dinging reminds me that I’m getting closer and closer to a stagnant state of being, not moving forward or backward. Not only are the battery and the clock a representation of my relationship with time and expectations, but also the anxiety and fear I have that constantly surrounds my goals.
Recently I have begun to explore the connection between my emotional, physical, motivational, and creative energies and my ability to move towards my creative goals. My internal voices are fighting with each other, taking turns ruling over my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, how I’m feeling emotionally is what determines the amount of work that I feel like doing. So, those low points are my boredom and fear all mixed up. I’m bored of applying, I’m bored of staring at my work and thinking “can someone please just hire me”. I’m afraid of failure (I’m working on this), I’m afraid of public speaking (I’m also working on this), I’m afraid of not making the people around me, and frankly myself proud.
I’m learning that there is no time limit. Everyone has a pace. The universe will throw us in the right direction when its time, or when we have proven that deep down we are ready to move.
As the new year creeps up on us, and the decade comes to a close, I remind myself that everyday is a new day to live and dream. Everyday is a span of 24 hours in which your brain cycles through your fears, successes, anxieties, joys and expression of self. I will continue to allow myself to feel these fears and anxieties, but only as things to overcome and learn to love and understand. This new year will bring positivity and love into my life, pushing me closer to my goals.
This is me speaking it into existence.
XOXO,
Ramsie
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